MyLife

my first traditional indian engagement photoshoot

2010-04-03T01:10:00.000-07:00

yesterday i'm being given a change by Indian client. when i reached home after i went around singapore with my friends to take picture there is a miss called from unknown number so i decided to call the number to ask who is it. when he answered the phone he directly said i notice you are a profesional photographer have you ever take indian wedding before? i honestly said "no i haven't take one before" than endup he negotiate to get lower price. since i feel it will be a different experienced and thisi s my first time i will see indian engagement ceremony so i agree to it. we meet at orchard ion's starbucks and he explain to me what will the ceremony time line look like. i'll post some picture of it tomorrow. wish me luck~ cheers ferdy's photography

photo session at jakarta

2010-02-19T08:42:00.000-08:00

I have a blast of fun and few trouble. the trouble was my triggerer battery i bring whole of my equipment because i wanted to use 2 off flash camera setup but endup i don't have enough battery supply for my flash triggerer. it endup give me hard to setup my lighting. i need to keep on improving my skill and my service quality. i really hope that my client would understand and i'll keep trying to improve my self as a photographer and a business owner. my picture could be seen at here ( jonny-marlina) and here ( roni-silvia)

really looking forward to be in jakarta

2010-02-08T16:57:00.000-08:00

today i keep thinking of the photo shoot that i'll have in jakarta and i become excited because it's mean another training day for me. this time is to learn how to play with flash color gel. and i'll learn more about studio like lighting using flash although this is a self training i believe i'll gain something on it.

Chinese New Year holiday

2010-02-04T18:14:00.000-08:00

at 13th feb 2010 I'll be going back to my home town for Chinese new year. but what i really looking forward for is the photo session that i'll have. i'll take a friend couple picture, sales girl profile picture and a pre wedding picture. it really make me feel excited because i want to join a wedding photo competition on internet. there is a lot of superb picture had been uploaded what i aimed now is not the first price but just an acknowledgment of my pic. if it's at least being shown in magazine or in the 100 best picture there will be a new step for me. i hope i could make it happen hehehe.

engagment picture of shane darby and fan2

2010-01-22T18:51:00.000-08:00

yesterday quite an interesting day. i take leave from my programmer job for 1 day just to take an engagement shoot of my friend fan2 and her fiance shane. we meet at 5 pm instead of the planned schedule which was at 10 am because of heavy rain in singapore. fortunately the weather was good after 2pm so we agreed to meet at 4 30 but because of their schedule we meet at 5 pm. we walked to river near rafles mrt station and i decided to take test shoot of them since i didn't know shane yet. after few shoot what he said is wah man you sucks, the pic is not good you make me look stupid. in my mind ow ok that's mean he don't like his face to be taken in that angle. fan2 answered him by saying it's because we pose this way and he continued than you suppose to posed us instead. my first reaction was, if i have posed you both of you will look stiffed and all the pic will be stiff without emotion that's why i don't pose you just put you in certain place. he understand what i mean than we keep on going with the photo shoot. after we get along the photo shoot start to be more fun. we stop by in certain place around the area because we want to go to fulerton hotel to take the night shoot there. at 6 30 pm shane started to get hungry so we decided to have dinner somewhere near by. for me the shoot was fun but i hope they like me shoot too since it's useless for me to take picture is there is no or only few picture that they like. today i'll meet them to show the picture from my laptop and i hope some good reaction will happen =p here is the link to the photo shoot

will photography be my profession or just a hobby

2010-01-14T23:47:00.000-08:00

Since I’m really bored now I’ll just play around and think about this question. The biggest question for me now will photography end up become my profession or just a hobby because one thing for sure I won’t give up photography by any chance except if I really can’t take photo again because of sickness. There is a lot great photographer out there some of them are great some of them just ok and give a low price of their service. With a variety from photographer that is purely taking picture out of their camera (I’m included here) to art designer that make surrealistic picture using a superb digital editing technique that will make you amazed with their creation. With a lot of such “competition” it make me things what will happen with my photography journey in the end will it be just a hobby or real profession of mine though I know there is no such real competition between photographers there will always be only 1 of me and one of other photographer because we are unique and we appreciate things differently. We could learn a lot about all such of same theory and still end up with different photo result which makes this art beautiful. hope all the best for my photography journey =p

hardest part of my photography journey

2010-01-14T19:43:00.000-08:00

Harder thing might come later but I feel that now is the hardest time of my photography journey because I just starting my photography business. I try to advertise on few “free advertisement place” start to told friends about photography service that I provide but because I’m still new it’s hard for me to found a client. Last week to be exact it’s on 6 January 2010 I got a phone call from a lady that want to get a photographer for her 3 years old kid and she asked me how much do I charge and I said 200 dollar because I’m just starting for 1 year and I take weddings before but never taken birthday party before. Than she said ok…. I’ll go n see your website first than I’ll compare with others. Thanks than the phone call hung up. After that I try to sms her on my facebook page and website url but there is no reply. 1 day before the birthday party I send a Short message to her to confirm whether she will use my service for the baby photo but she turn me down and said maybe next round. quite a lot of rejection to my request of helping to take picture for my friends as well since I’m still new and they are able to afford to pay more “professional” photographer. I knew that this thing will come to me on the first few steps of my photography business because all people could hold on the best SLR now and there is a lot of photography studio or service out there and I’m still a new kids on the block that try to take picture and make a living without any decent portfolio. I don’t know how long this will last but I’ll keep on striving to fight for my exposure. I got an honored to take 1 pre wedding picture on February and 1 wedding ceremony on 1st of May and 1 more pre wedding on 29-30 June this year I hope to make them happy and proud of my art and help me to spread my photography.

finding partner

2009-12-15T03:38:00.001-08:00

now i end up trying to find place to print picture to canvas and print to album so that my service will become better and more professional. now i have found them so what left for my service is a make up artist for me to work with and few costume if i could afford it. really hope that my friends would able to help me market my service but i know that i couldn't depends on my friend and i need to market my service my self. now i need to learn how to design album and how to shoot in studio hopefully i'll become better soon.

my cousin wedding

2009-12-12T06:08:00.000-08:00

after i moved from geylang HDB to bedok i directly flew back to indonesia to cure my Eczema, amazingly the recovery is so fast it only need 2 day to show the improvement first of all thanks to Singapore chief priest that help to pray for my speedy recovery and my temple member ( aunt margareta, karen) last but not least is my mother and brother who give me a good medicine for my skin.

in the end i could take a picture for my cousin wedding at first i thought i'll be the only photographer but instead my cousin booked a photography service from his temple. when i reach his house i got shock there is 2 photographer there since it thought it will be only 1 photographer. i'm kind of lazy at first time because i feel there is too many photographer than i'll keep on fighting for a better angle with the photographer

both of the photographer is a professional photographer but i just started to learn to do this business which make me kind of down at the moment but i told to my self that i'll try to take good picture no matter what happen so i started to take. it's not like other wedding ceremony that i took my cousin only do a tea ceremony and signing the marriage certificate although in the afternoon there is small wedding ceremony for close relatives and close friend of my uncle.

i feel glad and happy that my cousin finally found someone that really suit to him now and get married. hope that they will be happy forever.

my picture result could be seen at here

leason learned

2009-12-02T03:31:00.000-08:00

this is the proof of hokekyo teaching which said people who afraid to get wet will be wet which also means people that afraid to lose money will lose it. now i already proof it i try to save time and transport money and afraid i will lose money if i stay in a good condo or more expensive place end up now i lose my money because i try to anyway get a house. but like what stated in hokekyo ( lotus sutra) for hokekyo believer poison will become medicine and there will be no prayer will left unanswered. yesterday i'm quite stressed because of the fact i need to check whether my skin problem is contiguous or not so that i could move to the new house and i know there will be another girl staying in my current house. at first i thinking of drinking my panadol and sleep but in the end i remember i haven't do my evening prayer and i open my gongyo book that start chanting few minute after i finished chanting the one that introduce me to the place suddenly call me, usually she call me only at day time before 2 pm but yesterday mystically she called me at arround 8 20 PM and i got shocked but happy because i wanted to tell her that i want to take the house key as soon as i could since i really afraid that when i really need to moved i don't have place to go. money is important for our luxury and important for us to stay alive but faith is the one that helping use think straight and walk to the correct part to happiness

terrified

2009-12-01T04:17:00.000-08:00

I'm terrified now, the owner of my house keep adding a china girl to stay in the house. when i first come in it is only 2 girls staying, yesterday it become 3 and now he add 1 more girl to come so tomorrow it will become 4 girls. i started to feel this house become more n more scary i want to go now but got no where to go. now i know what is the feeling of being terrified. you cant sleep you cant eat well. luckily my ex girlfriend still willing to help me with my important letter and few of my stuff and my temple member help me on booking a hospital for me to check my skin problem. i don't know whether my boss will allow me to work from indonesia or not that's is still a big question for me. my life suddenly change from a peaceful life to a terrifying life. i guess this is because of i'm still lacking of patience and faith in Buddhism. this can be say is the worst experience after i'm being blinded. i hope a solution will arise soon i can't stay longer that's for sure but i also can't run away now because of the situation. the only thing that can save me is Gohonzon and no one else.

skin problem

2009-11-30T04:08:00.001-08:00

after come back from ubin my skin become more sensitive than ever because it is hot in singapore i endup got some skin problem and it getting worst after the accident where i felt down while taking pic in jakarta. now my skin is worsen i hope this is the worst it would get because i'm sick of it. my whole neck become red and a lot of red rashes on my body. i'm in pain and suffered but still need to get through this by my self although this is the time that i actually need my family and someone to take care of me. my skin surface feel like burning and being added that i feel uncomfortable in my new room. i hope i'll get well soon =p

first day in new room

2009-11-29T04:11:00.000-08:00

this is the first day i stayed in my new room. after taking bath i directly do gongyo and pray that all being in this place be happy and i could be protected from any bad things. after that i got a thought of calling my owner and i really feel it's good that i call him. i said to him why does the girls thing still in my room if she didn't want to move maybe i will moved to the other room instead. and the reply from him was " i told her to moved her things already but maybe she is lazy or what than don't moved her things if you don't mind just let her sleep with you for a day". i directly said to him that cannot i don't want if she don't want to moved that I'll moved to other place because for me it's ok. I really hope that nothing will happen tonight while i'm sleeping. the door unfortunately can't be locked from inside i can't use a door stopper or block the door using my things because the girl's things is still in my room. so the worst things might happen is tomorrow suddenly got a pic of me sleeping with the girls ? ckckckck. but if that happen i think i won't care and won't give money to all of them because it's a prank and i will report to police instead hehehe because i believe that truth will reveal =p

staring up my macro learning

2009-11-27T03:51:00.000-08:00

though there are many2 people said and suggest that i shouldn't buy a macro ring because of the quality of image that i would get end up i still buy it. i bought a cheap marumi macro filter so that i could start my experiment of taking macro pic. after i take it i agree that the pic look soft and the quality lower down quite a lot hehehe. but whats wrong ? I'm not doing commercial shot yet, it's cost me 90 dollar for 3 macro filter and i have fun trying shooting macro which i never really try it before so for all photographer out there if you really want to learn and your money isn't enough yet just buy what u need to learn and save money to buy a better one later here is 2 of my pic that i took today

new room thrilling experience

2009-11-27T03:18:00.000-08:00

I'll need to move to a new place next Monday and i feel that the place kind of scary in sense of the owner is a guy and look a bit strange though the agent said he is a tuition teacher the other things is the rooms all can't be locked from inside and the owner reason is because the last time it being rent to 2 girls than they end up locking the door and fight inside.

my next housemate look fishy as well she is a girl that for sure came from china and when i need to take my key yesterday night around 8:30 pm she put on full make up and mini skirt I'm not trying to look down or making stereotype of a china girl staying in geylang HDB but it just look fishy to me. this morning i really depressed and keep hoping that nothing will happen to me in the new house because the reason i take the place is because that the place is near to my temple so every morning i could come with lesser trouble and i could come for activity more often than now since there will be no more reason for me to think that my place is far from my temple.

my part of faith said nothing will go wrong because a believer of Hokekyo ( lotus sutra) will always be protected and poison will be a medicine. this experience one of measurement of my faith and test whether i would second guessing hokekyo in my life. i lost sight before and with the power of Hokekyo i would be able to see again and now should i be afraid of even losing what i have just to get nearer to my temple to do practice

I suddenly remember about the story that being told by singapore Nichiren Shoshu chief priest. it's the story about Japanese Hokekyo member that being sentenced of latest stage of Cancer it's already spread to the whole body of his and doctor said there is nothing possibly being done to cure him. but instead of hopelessly wait for his death he stand up to pray against his fate. he wanted to join Rissho Ankoku Ron ceremony this year he keep praying nonstop at first he only manage to pray for few minutes and along the way he keep added up his prayer time until manage to do in hours. amazingly when he do another checkup after a period of time doctor said all his body cancer has disappeared and now is cancer level is same with normal people the most of all he could attend the ceremony of revealing the truth and up holding justice (Rissho Ankoku Ron).

if with the power of faith to hokekyo he could heal the whole cancer in his body why i can't pray for my environment to change? so what is wrong if i'm on the same roof with prostitute? and what would happen if all my stuff being stolen ? i come with a 2000 dollar debt to singapore, prostitute is human just that they might be forced to do that and they might be nicer than some of people that claim their self a good people but actually back stab us from behind. life is really interesting i hope few days and years in front will be a nice experience for me not a bad one as Buddhism saying that if you want to know what you done in the past see what you got now, and if you want to know what will manifest in the future look at what you have done now.

the beginning of my photography journey

2009-11-24T17:17:00.000-08:00

Currently my photography journey just started. i started to know few professional photographers and talk to them. until now it's quite interesting that the photographers that i talk to all is a nice guy they willing to tell me their way of taking pic share what they think about photography though i could see that few photographer that i talk to none of them telling the same view about photography. taking a fei yu qing concert is my first concert photo session that i get it's fun and quite a challenging although the way he sing is just same pose to the whole song. so i end up taking few picture of the violin musician and the guitar player. i still didn't know what the outcome will be after my photography is being submitted to the main photographer that let me tag along. my hope is that my picture result is more than what being expected for a beginner level like me than he will let me to tag along when he got photo assignment so that i could learn faster and adapt to professional photographer life style ^_^.

here is one of the pic at the concert. please stay tune to facebook.photoloe.com for more picture and updates on my photography journey

at my birthday day..

2009-11-23T16:37:00.000-08:00

i'm quite blessed with lot of good friends and one of them is my high school friend who willing to accompanied me to celebrate my bday with me eating a simple dinner and talk about our high school memories. high school is one of great time for me from playing soccer with friends until all of us running away from classes and all funny stuff. She also asked me that why i don't continue my blog for my photography which at first i replied because i'm lazy to write the things and i might or mightn't be famous photographer but after i think few times i guess its better that i continue my photography journey blog hehe.

Super Strange things happened today

2009-09-04T00:00:00.000-07:00

this early morning i got a dream that i'm moving out a lot of fish from one fish tank to other tank i guess is because the fish tank need to be wash or something. so i take few fish using a net. suddenly my net become heavy than when i'm pulling it out there is a cute turtle but all the sudden there is 1 black tentacle i didn't sure what it is because it's black and snap me so fast until i can't really see. ( in real world not dream) I feel like there is something passing from my right shoulder to left shoulder. it also pass by so fast like a snake go through the gap of my shoulder and bed until i snap up of the bed and wake up. after that i think wah if there is a real snake in my bed than what will happen but end up there is nothing there. so i just look at my alarm and go back to sleep since it's still 5 37 means i still can sleep for another 10 minute. after my alarm ring everything is normal i take my bath wear my cloths etc2. but before i go out from the door i got shock when i found out that the landlord fish jump out of the fish tank i never see that fish jump before. it's so coincidence that 1 fish died and i dream of fish at the same time having my self shock by feeling something passed my shoulder. ckckck

now i can see.

2009-08-30T00:40:00.000-07:00

not long after that my eyes cured and even better it cured several weeks before the next semester so i just missed 1 semester which i could just view it like a long holiday. the first thing i do at that time is to login to Ragnarok online games and say hi to all my friends there and surprisingly Faith guild ( my group in the online games ) even post wishes so that i could recover faster and a lot of names that i don't even know yet in the end i knew that my university friends that also in that group spread it out and they post it through internet i deeply appreciated what they have done so Thank you so much.

the first day i came to uni friends directly came to me one by one asking what happened to me. once said to me that's why don't go to gym so often and carry heavy things the other got a gossip that i do sit up to much than end up injured my back bone. and i need to keep repeating my sentence that even doctor didn't know what's wrong with me. most of them told me just write my story to internet but i really reluctant to do so until now ^^. but finally i could finished this story and hope that i could share my experience to all people that i don't know why look at my blog.

and most of you guys will probably feel strange why i suddenly end up in Singapore. i came to Singapore because i started to have a relationship with my Ex gf and i think it's better for me if i moved and find a job in singapore. so my mother loan me 2000 SGD. for me to find a job. and finally here i am though first time i afraid that i wouldn't able to get a job but i manage to get my first salary with 0 dollar in my pocket and it's quite a thrilling moment for me. thanks to her i got a courage to came to singapore and try to live independently.

enjoying b&w movie

2009-08-12T01:57:00.000-07:00

few days after the dream my eyes sight recovery became even faster. i started to be able to see writing though it's not clear. when i go to my cousin house with my brother, he asked us whether we had already watch van helsing and asked me could i see a tv yet. so i answered him that i don't know because the last time i tried i still can't see anything on tv yet. but when he turn on the movie i could see the picture though all of them is black and white so i asked my cousin eh why the movie is black and white like old movie. he not answer me directly but look at the tv first and said this is a colored movie not b&w so its mean your eyes is not 100% recovered yet.

i replied him "o ok than at least there is a bright side on this, i could watch movie and enjoy black and white movie in modern live like now." my cousin and brother agreed than after that movie i keep on watching TV although it's seems strange that all movie is on black n white. this situation happened till 1 month and it's started to give me color started from blue than green than the last one is red. so in the middle of it all movie look strange to me. but this is an experience that not every one could manage to feel which make it bit cool ^^

Is this the blinded patient

2009-08-07T17:21:00.000-07:00

my trip back to malay was better, i could see bit of things here and there not like the second time i went there. at this stage i still couldn't watch TV yet though it's on but i can't see the picture on the tv there's only sound. when we go for my eye checkup the doctor felt strange that i could read the test board and asked my mother "this is the kids that is blinded last time right ?" than my mother nod her head while confirming the doctor when being asked by the doctor whether i consumed other medicine my mother just lie and said no because she don't want the doctor to stopping me from consuming Mr Chen medicine. the doctor directly called the neural specialist doctor that treat me last time and write a letter to him that my eye recovery is because of vitamin B+. the Eye doctor told my Mother that i need to do checkup one more time 2 months from that time.

my mother looks happy because of the doctor reaction and at that evening we ate a great food it's a manggo fried fish and it's the best dish that i taste since the first time i went there. in malay we keep on finding good place to eat one of them is a laksa that being served inside a coconut it's really nice until the shop will close at 12 am though they open at 9 because all of the laksa is sold out.

every morning since the first time i went to malay we always eat breakfast on one coffee shop and this time the aunt that sold the coffee said to my mother "this time your son look more handsome and can see as well" that aunt always say the same thing when we drink to the store lucky that my mother only smile and don't talk much >.<

after we went back the next day i went to temple with my mother. Mr Yudo come and asked my mother whether i already started to do Gongyo or not, my mother answered that i still can't read letter yet so i haven't learn to do gongyo and Mr Yudo said it's just a reason not to learn. there is an old lady in temple that can't read but she learn from listening and insist my mother to teach me.

i felt i let my mother down than the next day at home while i chant in front of Gohonzon I pray and said " If it's really important to read and produce sound when i'm doing Gongyo please teach me, i admit i'm a shy person and i afraid of being wrong. how if somebody laugh at me when i wrongly spell the word and some more i can't read now though i really want to read the sutra" while i pray without noticing tears start to drop from my eyes. that same day when i'm a sleep i dream of one person wearing a white robe and holding the joju beads ( a beads that being hold in both of our hand when we chant) he said to me " come and learn you could follow me to chant. the whole dream he keep asking me to repeat reading Gongyo book until i don't know how many times i recite Gongyo on my dream. the next day ( at Sunday ) when i'm in temple i suddenly memorized the whole Gongyo wording and my mouth can automatically follow others to do Gongyo.

when i told this to my mother she said its maybe the deceased leader because he is a wise leader and like to teach believer. but for me no matter who is the one in my dream i believe that Gongyo is really important in Nichiren Shoshu Buddhism

Best Dream ever

2009-08-05T05:24:00.000-07:00

After long prayer i end up fell asleep and i directly saw a guy face he is so calm, got a shiny face his hair is like a cone shape and got a lot of curly hair a soft light shining through his forehead. his face being surrounded by light a bright but not painful to see in fact it feel relaxing. he only smile at me without saying a word. i kept on wondering who is this person? is this the answer to my prayer ? or this is to show that I'll able to see again ? but again he don't say anything and just smile. the next morning i feel my body become so light and relaxed all the hallucination experience directly disappear and my mind also become calm.

i keep asking my self who is that person how he get that kind of bright yet relaxing charm and why the whole night i only dream about him smiling at me. but lucky me that i don't need to wait for long because at night my cousin came and told him about my dream than he answered me that it seems like a Siddhartha Gautama face figure. than i said to him it means my prayer being answered so i can be sure that I'll follow this Buddhism and he directly laugh and me and said "you are so lucky that Buddha is the one that come to your dream so if other God that come to your dream you will follow their religion ? " and i replied if that is the case than it might be my way of life too.

since that day i keep on chanting every morning and night and my eyes recovering is extraordinary fast till one day my mother, brother, cousin and I go to some mall to eat on the way to the mall i see the road and said "wah i can see that car number it's is XXXXXXX". my cousin look at me and said "hah ? you can see the car number? even my eyes can't see it" my mother got shocked as well because my eyes suddenly can see a lot better though my eye is only better at night. that trip is the a joyful trip i keep on trying to see my surrounding. 1 weeks after that day I'm preparing to go to Malay again for checkup and at this time i can packed my own cloths.

my promises and amazed

2009-08-02T06:12:00.000-07:00

after deep observations i take few promises to my self not to drink alcohol no matter what is the benefit i could get by drinking it. than i realized it will be hard for me to take sales alike job. after drinking one's mind changed the shine in the eyes also changed. nowadays i must admit alcohol is a normal drink for society and i don't look down at people that drink it. just that by judging from my father i afraid i would do the same to my family when i have one.

there is too little benefit of drinking from my perspective because i afraid i would lost control and in the end i became like my father. there is too many bad experiences i saw by my own eyes or i could say i see it all.

one day my cousin ( he is like my own older brother, he came frequently to my house after i came back from hospital because he knew that i must be feeling lonely in my blindness. i really thank him of doing it.) came to my house he ask me to followed him to go to Starbucks to meet his friends since there is no one at home so i went with him. all i see is blur, light and other things it feel a bit weird because Jakarta got a lot of cars and traffic jam so all light i see is like a big ball because of the light flare.

we came to the cafe and 2 of his friend is there so my cousin introduce me to them and we sat down after ordering a nice green tea latte. at the moment i sat and his friend started to talk i felt that one of them is a gay from the way he talk to the other friend. but i thought maybe it's his style of talking so i keep quite. but in the end he is really a gay since from the conversation that he meet a guy at airplane and end up dating. but than after that conversation he directly talk about Buddhism with my cousin. he talk about his experience when he do meditation and what he learned when he go to one of the temple in Thailand. than i felt amazed knowing that Buddhism can accept gay believers and even don't discriminate them on their practice not like other religion they even cursed on gay by saying they don't accept they gender and other reason. since for me it might not appropriate for a human to judge other people on whether or not they are eligible to communicate to generally said "GOD". don't the religion leader ever think even a bit on cased that they might be feel being trapped on wrong gender body ? how do you feel when suddenly you wake up on other body which is diff gender? but than i realized it might be because few other religion don't believe in reincarnation because if i died now and reincarnate in girls body but still with my current thought and memory won't i became a guy trapped on girls body ?

after long conversation between my cousin and his friends than we went back to home. on the way my mind keep on thinking about Buddhism. but something strike my mind when i see one of the street light and i try to focus my eye on it, i suddenly can make the object focus just like when we use camera at first it will be blur but when we slowly rotate the focus control we can get a focus picture. but strangely i need to focus for my right eye and left eye at a different time so after i can see clearly using my right eye than i focus using my left eye. the whole trip till my home i keep talking to my cousin about other things while trying to refocus my eyes.

that night i really can't sleep because although i now I'm chanting but my whole life i learned Christianity in the end i said to my self there will be only one truth and I'll pray the whole night for the answer and i believe only the truth answer will come. than the whole night i keep on praying asking whether what i do now is correct, if i became Buddhism that time is it go against my belief, is this Buddhism for me? until i feel asleep

my thought of the day

2009-07-31T07:33:00.001-07:00

life is not black and white but it's gray ( blue, red, green, yellow ) don't separate the black from gray because than life won't be balanced. accept black like you accept white there for there is none that you would regret.

revealing what happened

2009-07-29T05:51:00.000-07:00

when i reached home i directly being told to chant in front of Gohonzon. than at night i told my story about how i got hallucination and i also told about the things happened when i try to sleep in front of Gohonzon before i went to kalimantan for the first time. at that time i annoyed and scared at the same time because i keep on having hallucination and i thought if this is because of ghost it will be gone when i sleep in front of Gohonzon so i when up stairs and try to sleep as i closed my eyes i said to my self if this is really a work of ghost now all of you will be gone so i can sleep well. but instead of being relieved

i being shocked by the fact that there is a sound in my mind and i heard the sound from my ears one guy said "wah look at this guy we are trying to help him but he said we are ghost." and suddenly the other guy laugh quite loud. after my mother heard about this he told me that it might be the guardian that protect lotus Sutra that try to help me.

I went to Mr Chen place in daily basis to received therapy for my eyes and there he keep give me an advice try to be open to people, try to smile and say hello to others. i admit at that time I'm a really2 introvert person that don't like to talk to others and keep on holding my own problem and burden to my self because i don't believe in others moreover i afraid to disturb others. i really thankful that he never gave up on me. until now i still trying to follow his advice maybe it's just my bad habit that i want to fix my own problem without giving a burden to other people which also happened to my father.

i keep on observing my father more after Mr Chen told me that if not later on i become like my father. i notice that it's true my father is perfectionist and introvert guy, he end up always blame others for his disability of fault and in my family case is my mother. she always get blamed on things that she don't do and on things that he can't achieved. my mother is the one that work to feed our family, without here i will not be what i'm today maybe i'm working as a shop keeper or even a construction worker. my father have a bad habit of drinking and he can't reflect on his own mistake which make me really sad nevertheless we ( my mother , brother and i) know that it's not his fault and we accept and love him for what he was which make me admire and respect my mother more than anyone else. she still stand by my father side though all hardship is on her.

1st miracle

2009-07-28T00:06:00.000-07:00

first miracle happened when we need to go back to hospital to take the result of my examination that being done in Australia. we when to the doctor room and he told my mother that the test result is negative for the list of disease that being known. at first i got shocked and i thought I'll need the injection but than i think eh if people is pregnant they said it's positive same with aids so i suppose to be fine why i got shocked i felt extremely relax after that . than the doctor told my mother that she don't need to bought me the medication because all result are fine but if my blindness come back again after few months than i must take the injection since that is the only way my mother agreed than we go back. the next day on the way to kalimantan i told my mother i didn't like my grandfather house because is messy hot and lot other reason and i want to directly go back to jakarta the next day we arrived there. my mother disagreed and said that she is tired and want to take rest for a few day but i keep on insisting to came back early finally she said "ok i'll try to ask for the ticket if there are ticket for both of us than we will go back." 1 second after that my mind react and i told my mother "ok, but don't lie to me. don't said you already ask for the ticket but in fact you are not which make us stay longer i don't like liar" my mother only smile and said ok2 i'll try first. lucky that we really can go back the next day to my own home though end up i felt tired as well as my mother because she need to back to work the next day after we reach jakarta.

big decision

2009-07-26T00:56:00.000-07:00

after hearing the doctor suggestion on the prevention injection i got 2 days IV Therapy again than go back to the house in Malay. at the house my mother called Mr Chen and Mr Yudo then she passed me the phone,

when I Said hello? Mr Yudo said to me, "Ferdy now your condition happened because of karma if you don't eradicate your negative karma than this disease won't be cured or might come back again to you no matter how expensive or how good the medicine that the doctor give you. would you accept Nam Myo Ho Reng Ge Gyo for the rest of you life and this is not a joke, I already take faith in this religion for more than 20 years until now and i believe your karma for sure will be eradicated if you really take faith in this religion so will you accept it?"

my mind think so fast when i hear that because since i enter school i learn about Christianity and what i know is about Christianity thought i learn about Nichiren Shoshu before when my with my deceased Grandmother and few times with my parents but i knew nothing about it. i feel the place that i came last time is to materialistic they always said need to give a lot of money as an offerings where in Christianity we only need to have faith in God. But my mind is so sure that i wanted to give this religion a try so i make my decision and said yes i will started to really take the correct faith in this religion. since my mother was there i really enjoy eating in Malay we eat good food instead of when my mother is not there i only eat a vegetables and stuff that i don't really like.

one night all of us go to the mall than at that time i realized at night my eye can see better than at day time so i enjoy it so much. i could see the light flare from the light bulb all the road side view and other. all of my aunt decided to go to one mall to buy things so that they could bring it to Kalimantan the next 2 days. in there i really feel uneasy all i see is like a shadow all people only feel like a blurred things that moving around but since my mother is there i keep holding on to her hand while we go around the mall.

after all things being paid my mother asked me whether or not i want to eat ice cream than i said it feel like a lifetime i haven't eat ice cream than she told me to wait there with the whole groceries that she bought. at that time i felt lost than i think this is not only how blind people live their life but this is also the actual life that all of normal people live their live thought they could see the entire world through their eye but their spiritual eyes was blinded, blinded by money, power, respect and all greed all of other people that passing by is just a blur object moving around all that is important is their own self. normal people smile though their heart are sad they pretend to know what their are doing but in fact they don't. all of us was blinded by our own ambition and don't really care about others even our own relatives and family. at that time i really lucky to feel this experience and i could learned this lesson. i promised to my self i wont let my self being blinded and i will try to help people when i could, and i won't be blinded by greed and forgot about people that i loved.

2nd trip to hospital

2009-07-21T04:08:00.000-07:00

My mother finally came to kalimantan to accompanied me to hospital for the second time. than the same routine is done we need to go from 5 am and reached malay at 3 pm. in hospital I directly being examined by the nervous Doctor. he asked me " how do you do, you remember me ?" than i said i remembered but i can't see your face now all is blured. the doctor directly ask the nurse to give me IV therapy again. He told my mother that he would need to extract my spine liquid for testing because it seems that my sickness become worst which mean that i might suffer for some kind of disease (the name is too cool for me to remember >.<). the guy that accompanied us for the trip ( also the landlord of the house that we stayed) said to my mother "extracting the spine liquid is not a small job. my friend son being extracted before now his nerve is damage sometimes he don't have control of his own body you need to make sure carefully". when i do a eye checked down stair my mother asked the eye doctor about the spine liquid and whether its dangerous. the doctor smile and said to my mother " the doctor that take care of your son is the best doctor. he is bright in fact superb young doctor. if he can't do it than nobody here will able to do it." than at evening the doctor came to my side he asked my mother whether my mother already take a decision because it need to be send to Australia which mean they need to do it fast. my mother came to asked me than i said ok this is the last thing we could to confirmed what is actually happened to me. after my mother sign the letter the process directly started. the doctor told me to do a position like a baby inside the mother tummy ( to hold my foot tightly and make a curl) he warned me that although anesthetic is being applied you will still feel pain because the injection will go through your spine so please bare with me. after he inject me with anesthetic than i suddently feel something quite thick go through my skin and i feel it go through my bone n go inside i almost moved but the doctor said "i believe you could hold it please help me, bare with me" than i keep hold on to the position and bare all pain that i feel. it feel like whole your body is being suck to the tube. the process take 1 - 2 minutes but it feel like hours. the doctor told my mother not to let me sit or stand because i will feel headache tomorrow since the liquid in one of my spine is being taken. the doctor than told my mother than i might need an immutability injection that need to be done by family member or my self. the injection probability to prevent my blindness to come back again is only 50%. my mother said if that is the best medicine than we would think of it than the doctore directly answer this is not a medicine this will only prevention injection and the price is 10k usd per month and need to be done for 2 years and he warned my mother if we only got the money to do it 1 year or 1 1/2 years better not to take it because the thing wont work perfectly. when my mother asked me i directly said why must I take it? i don't want to inject my self moreover it's only 50 50 chance it is the worst probability for a medicine. she still think that i better take the shot because if my sickness come again it might be a permanent blindness

knowing people when i'm helpless

2009-07-18T02:02:00.000-07:00

after going back from hospital to the house where we rent the room i feel so helpless at that night instead of my eye sight getting better it getting worst instead for my both eyes. since its still 11 am so all of us go for a lunch. aunt a keep sitting beside me and at that time aunt c sit on my other side. since i can't see properly so they are the one that take the food for me at that time i really know who is the one that really care about me. aunt c always stuff me with vegi that really taste bad until aunt a said "why you always gave that vegi for him? you don't see that he don't even eat the vegi he just put it aside" than aunt c said "than told him to take him self i just trying to help" aunt a just keep quite than help me to take bit of meat and nicer vegi. that kind of scene happened again at night when we have a dinner but now aunt a didn't talk much just help me to take few food for me. and the next day we went back to kalimantan ( to my grandfather's house) . than i realized my uncle that called me before i go to malay came with my aunt for the second time. my aunt ask me how do you feel than i said not that good it bit getting worst.

she asked me can u see my face? i answered no i cannot i know it's you because of your voice ( i said it with a small smile) she seems to be very2 sad listening to my answered and touch my face i could felt that she really am sad for me. i can't cried at that time because i don't want to make her felt worst i just said to my mind though I'm really sad now i wont show it now. my vision for both eyes are now in the worst state i just can feel and imagining how my grandfather's house feel like. as my vision worsen my hearing become more sensitive and sharper i noticed this thing hapened because my vitamin drop to the floor but my hand suddenly reached the vitamin when i touch the ground and bounce without even looking. i could hear foot step clearly and define who's foot step was it and i feel what hapened with the blind they got more capability in hearing. the other things that i got at that time is to sense what the person really feel which make me scared as well i sometimes being able to predicted what will the person said or do i know this because when i wake up and before i go down i know that my aunt that came from jakarta will said "ferdy there is a cake on the table and there is some rice cake there too just eat it " than i directly know that my causin ( the one that talk bad things infront of me ) will come and ask what is that than he take 2 of the cake. after getting that vision i just don't think it seriously and just went down but strangely that all my prediction comming true in order. i felt that is there something wrong in my brain ? i lost physical vision eyes but i got other vision of eyes?

in the hospital

2009-07-17T05:16:00.000-07:00

when i reached the hospital at first i feel strange where am I, why is just like a 2 stories store how they open a hospital in this kind of small place but after i went up it's actually larger on top. when i being given the hospital cloths i directly wear it like coat than the nurse laugh at me and said" aboy you need to take off your shirt first than wear that" than i take off my t-shirt and wear the cloth she asked me whether i want to take of my pants as well or not but i dun feel comfortable taking it off so i said " i don't think i need to because i will go back in 2 days." so she told me to lay down and she leave me there. from that time i need to fast till 2 hours because they will do intravenous to inject antibody trying to cured my blindess. when the time has come the nurse come to inject the metal part to my hand and she said wah your blood vessel is so thin like small kids vessel. than i asked her "than how is it? it still can being inject isn't it ? " she laugh and said "of course don't be affraid you are on the good hand". in the end she manage to put it nicely without a pain. in hospital what i could do is only sit on the bed eat than sleep again which really2 iritate me. moreover aunt B always buy me a big portion of food and all of them is vegi without a meat >.<

on the way to Kuching Hospital

2009-07-16T05:17:00.000-07:00

to go to Kuching i need to travel 8 hours using mini buss so i being picked up at 5 am in the morning to the meeting place. on the road i keep trying to train my eye to see since now at least i could see a bit light on my left eye. so i keep trying to train them but after 1/2 hour i feel bit strange i feel that there is something crawling underneath my skin ( like linkin park song >.<) it feel like a rounded things but when i touch my skin there is nothing. so i just close my eye and try to sleep instead but the thing keep on rotating sometimes to my forehead than go to my left eye than make a circle move in my cheek it keep doing a random movement around my head. It annoyed me so much until I keep touching my head but the things never stop bugging me so end up i started to get use to it after 1 hour.

we stop at few food store so that we could go to rest room, eat and drink. at around 11-12 am we stop at chicken rice store where i feel weak for a sudden and dizzy so i try to massage my head but i realized sometimes is strange on my left side of head since it feel a little bit weaker and softer than my right side of head. i keep asking my self what happen than i try to compare my left hand and my right hand, after that my leg, hip and other parts than i got shocked because the whole left part of my body become softer and feel smaller than my right side of my body. in my mind now I'll die if my left part of my body keep getting weaker isn't that mean I'll be 1/2 man half crops ? will my left brain die as well?

I ask my aunt a ( since there is 3 aunt will get involve so I'll named it aunt a, b, c and aunt C is the one from previous story which is the one that told my other aunt to hide my medicine) " aunt a, i feel my left part of body is diff with my right part of body can you help me to check?" than she try to compare my hand and my leg, she answered i dun feel any different maybe you just to tired. in the buss i manage to take a nap and reached the house around 3pm at the house i rechecked my body and become sure that my left side of body indeed become smaller than my right side. than i call aunt a " see this pants it can't be like this my left side of pants look lot loosen than my right side on my thigh" than she also got shocked and told aunt B . aunt B only look awhile and said "maybe it become smaller since tomorrow we will see the doctor than just wait till tomorrow".

we spend the rest of the day resting on a room. the room is quite big and the bed is being put all over the floor so that 1 room could fit 4-5 person. at night i can't sleep because i keep thinking why my left side of body become weaker n smaller is it because of light stroke ? moreover my parents is not there to accompanied me. message for all parents "if your kids are sick and need to go to hospital you better take a leave from your job and accompanied them your kids is not as brave as you thought"

thinking of suicide

2009-07-15T05:24:00.000-07:00

at my grandfather's house i felt worst than when I'm in my own house. everybody is busy and my uncle's wife even make it worst. she pretend to be nice at me though she not mean to be nice. since i never speak Hakka language there so they don't know that i could speak and listen Hakka language. one of the worker there ask my cousin in Hakka who is that guy why he only watch TV everyday? he replied him by saying " that guy is stupid only know to watch movie, last time when i stay at xxxx(my other cousin ) house he also do the same things. some more he rarely take shower until smell like garbage" but the fact is he is talking about him self when he stay on my other cousin house everyone there yell at him everyday because he take shower once a week and sometimes only wash his hair not the whole body.

that conversation make me realized that this cousin don't respect me and like to tell lies. his mother is no different as well she told my other aunt to hide my medicine with a reason that if i eat that medicine it will not cure my pain. she even pretend that he bought me a good durian food but when she said to my other aunt in Hakka its just a cheap durian 3 durian for 5000.-- rupiah.

i'm exhausted mentally and one day when i watching TV all the picture suddenly disappeared i thought the electricity is down but i realized that i still could listen to the sound i tried to see my hand phone and i can't see anything on the LCD too, my eye can't see anything that is being produce by digital device. than at that afternoon i lay down in my bed and think, i study programming and what i know is only programming which mean my eye sight is everything for me. if I'm blind that's mean i will be a burden to my family and how if both of my parents die? what will i do? begging on the road? will people give me food if i ask or i will just become a joke by my cousin?

than suddenly stupid thought come to my mind that i think i should do suicide and there is only 2 choice 1 is to ask my aunt to buy me a sleeping pill and eat the whole bottle or i jump from third stories. after few hour i draw conclusion that my aunt won't buy me a sleeping pill with all reason that she could get so i better jump from top of my grandfather's house.

I go out from my room and prepare to jump. but one of my leg can't moved and a hallucination pass through my mind and asked me after you jump what would happen? will your family feel happier rather than taking care of you for the rest of your life? although they are happy but what will happened to you ? you will always be around here and stuck here forever, for sure you won't go to hell nor heaven or other place that you think you will go see bellow a lot of them still there hanging around do you think they will accept your existence there? in the end i hold me thought of killing my self and hope that my eyes could be cured

additional story:
one day before my travel to Malay 3 of my aunt that will go with me talk in the living room using Hakka language aunt c said to aunt a "so tomorrow we will be picked up at 5 you need to wake Ferdy up at 4 30 so that he could take shower first". aunt a said "i feel sad knowing Ferdy become blind like this why it happened to him" aunt c follow the conversation and said "haiya all things already happened why you need to cry" ( it seems that aunt a really care for me until she cried she is the one that always bring me food for lunch, dinner and other when i was there ) than aunt a said "how can i not sad how if he can't be cured" aunt c cut the conversation by saying " why scared just told them to do operation if failed than failed anyway he already blind now the eye will also no used" hearing that statement i directly pissed off because i remember Mr Chen said don't let doctor do operation on my eyes to my mother. few moment after that when I'm at my room my father called me and asked how i feel than i replied to him " I want to go home i don't want to go to hospital". i guess my father is really2 sad at that time so he closed the phone and few minute after that my uncle called me, he asked me what i want to go home and told me whether i know my father is very sad when heard that i prefer going back. than i told him directly i don't want to be operated Mr Chen also said i mustn't be operated at all. than he said " don't be so stupid listen to me, if they want to operate you at least your parents need to be there to sign the letter if not they don't have legal right to operate you". than i said but aunt c keep saying just do operation than can go home early, my uncle reassure me that he will called them and make sure that they don't even think of letting me to be operate which make me relieve and agreed to go to Malay

things went bad

2009-07-15T04:04:00.000-07:00

at first my left eye started to pickup some light and since all my family member is busy ( even my mother need to go to work) so my friend is only TV so i keep watching TV channel everyday. i also need to do therapy at home which force my eye to be closed and when i close my eye i could see people and there is a lot of people there walking around here and there.

I asked my self am I crazy now? who are they soon after i finished asking one of them said to me no you are not crazy, we are here to accompanied you so you are not bored than a lot of small human marching and walk from left to right then right to left some of them will jump some will roll over and try to make me laugh. after i finished my therapy which take me 20 minute i call my maid and tell her that i got hallucination than she said maybe because u don't have some one to talk to than you feel lonely.

my thought at that time was it confirmed I'm crazy now what should i do blind and crazy? and the worst thing is, it happening day by day. the feeling worsen when i need to go to malaysia hospital and before i go there i need to go to my parent's home town which is kalimantan. i said to my mother no matter what i didn't want to go to kalimantan first i want to fly directly to malaysia but she reject on budget issue and at night i feel weird and i feel afraid at that night

something that i can't forget until today happen when i closed my eyes to go to sleep at that time i saw earth became strange the sky is red and the ground all red because of being covered by blood at that time i got shocked and open my eye every time i close my eyes again the same scene happened and like it or not i need to close my eyes to go to sleep after that i saw there is a lot of people that use metal spikes as their accessorizes they tortured other human by cutting their hand leg and in the end beheaded them woman being raped first before being tortured and killed. few people walk around with a big plate and human head are on the plate. the next day i when to kalimantan using plane and stay in my grandfather's house

additional story:
the reason that i need to go to hospital though Mr Chen is confident that he could cured me was because majority of my family ( uncle and aunt) believe more to doctor rather than Chinese Doctor moreover mr Chen cured people using Qi. So we in the end go to Eye Specialist Hospital to check my eye in one morning it turn out that the Doctor is very rude after he examined my eye he write some letter to my to do MRI scan to some hospital than my mother ask him about my eye condition by asking "Doc whats is wrong with my son eye? can it be cured? " the doctor rudely reply " mam, do you know I'm writing ?" My mother angry and said" Doc do you have kid ? if you kid was sick won't you be curious and want to know what happen? i'm a mother and my son is blind now and you only answer me that you are writing now". the doctor keep on writing something and after he finished he said " your son's eye is ok we need to know what is wrong with his brain by doing scanning this is the letter that you need to bring." in the car i ask my mother for the letter since i want to see what is inside after i check i ask my mother there is 2 million rupiah injection being mention here than spontaneously asked my mother "there is injection that cost 2 million here what kind of injection is that? just to see whether my brain got problem or not ? won't it make my brain even worst if really got problem on my brain?" my mother react calmly and call Mr Chen. i'm glad that mr Chen told my mother not to do it in indonesia and told my mother to send me to better hospital like singapore or malay which end up I'm being send to malay. i can't imagine how if my blood stream being inject by that 2million liquid which turn out in malaysia hospital that kind of injection is not needed at all. i really concerned about indonesia hospital and promise my self to find more money so that if my parents or brother got sick i won't let indonesia hospital do something on them.

blinded

2009-07-14T05:18:00.000-07:00

for all of my new friends or people that knew me after i graduated from university i look like a normal guy with a job as a programmer, i like to take photograph ( my picture can be seen in here) or other view that they had on me. for my temple member i might being seen as a nice young guy and diligent member that always come for morning prayer. but for my family and friends before i graduated all of them now about my darkest experience which was i suffered for temporary blindness for few months.

it all started in the morning when i wake up and realized that my vision is bit strange, at that time i tried to close my right eye and i merely can't see anything but my thought was maybe this just a dream, i can't be blind without a reason since there is no pain or strange feeling. But after few hour i really wake up and i feel my movement is strange i became unbalanced, i can't measure distance correctly which make me decided to tell my mother and we end up going to doctor. the doctor prescribed me with eye vitamin and some eye medicine.

the next day i wake up i hoped that my eye is cured and i able to see clearly since i got an exam for a my short semester but what i got is my left eye now is totally blind and i could only see with my right eye. i still remember when i told my mother about it and what i got as the answer was "it's normal that your eye can't see because it is injured, just wait for awhile it will be OK" without a doubt i trusted her and go to Uni to take my exam.

since i didn't have a car at that time so i followed my friend car in the car i told my friend that i can't see using my left eye but since the way i said it is too calm so he made a joke on it instead. after 2 days exam that i told my mother that if i close my right eye i can't see anything using my left eye which started to make her panic and bring me to the best Chinese doctor i ever know ( Mr Chen) he is a wise Taiwanese Chinese doctor that use Chi and Chinese medicine to cure people. his face and the way he talked really calm me down and i trust him with my life that he could cure me. after few session there my eye became bit better but there is when all mystic experienced started.

Story about me

2009-07-14T05:14:00.000-07:00

Hi, My name is Ferdy I'll be 26 years old this year. i decided to start this blog to fill my time and hopefully i could share my life story and "wisdom" that i get in this life.