my thought of the day

life is not black and white but it's gray ( blue, red, green, yellow ) don't separate the black from gray because than life won't be balanced. accept black like you accept white there for there is none that you would regret.

revealing what happened

when i reached home i directly being told to chant in front of Gohonzon. than at night i told my story about how i got hallucination and i also told about the things happened when i try to sleep in front of Gohonzon before i went to kalimantan for the first time. at that time i annoyed and scared at the same time because i keep on having hallucination and i thought if this is because of ghost it will be gone when i sleep in front of Gohonzon so i when up stairs and try to sleep as i closed my eyes i said to my self if this is really a work of ghost now all of you will be gone so i can sleep well. but instead of being relieved

i being shocked by the fact that there is a sound in my mind and i heard the sound from my ears one guy said "wah look at this guy we are trying to help him but he said we are ghost." and suddenly the other guy laugh quite loud. after my mother heard about this he told me that it might be the guardian that protect lotus Sutra that try to help me.

I went to Mr Chen place in daily basis to received therapy for my eyes and there he keep give me an advice try to be open to people, try to smile and say hello to others. i admit at that time I'm a really2 introvert person that don't like to talk to others and keep on holding my own problem and burden to my self because i don't believe in others moreover i afraid to disturb others. i really thankful that he never gave up on me. until now i still trying to follow his advice maybe it's just my bad habit that i want to fix my own problem without giving a burden to other people which also happened to my father.

i keep on observing my father more after Mr Chen told me that if not later on i become like my father. i notice that it's true my father is perfectionist and introvert guy, he end up always blame others for his disability of fault and in my family case is my mother. she always get blamed on things that she don't do and on things that he can't achieved. my mother is the one that work to feed our family, without here i will not be what i'm today maybe i'm working as a shop keeper or even a construction worker. my father have a bad habit of drinking and he can't reflect on his own mistake which make me really sad nevertheless we ( my mother , brother and i) know that it's not his fault and we accept and love him for what he was which make me admire and respect my mother more than anyone else. she still stand by my father side though all hardship is on her.

1st miracle

first miracle happened when we need to go back to hospital to take the result of my examination that being done in Australia. we when to the doctor room and he told my mother that the test result is negative for the list of disease that being known. at first i got shocked and i thought I'll need the injection but than i think eh if people is pregnant they said it's positive same with aids so i suppose to be fine why i got shocked i felt extremely relax after that . than the doctor told my mother that she don't need to bought me the medication because all result are fine but if my blindness come back again after few months than i must take the injection since that is the only way my mother agreed than we go back. the next day on the way to kalimantan i told my mother i didn't like my grandfather house because is messy hot and lot other reason and i want to directly go back to jakarta the next day we arrived there. my mother disagreed and said that she is tired and want to take rest for a few day but i keep on insisting to came back early finally she said "ok i'll try to ask for the ticket if there are ticket for both of us than we will go back." 1 second after that my mind react and i told my mother "ok, but don't lie to me. don't said you already ask for the ticket but in fact you are not which make us stay longer i don't like liar" my mother only smile and said ok2 i'll try first. lucky that we really can go back the next day to my own home though end up i felt tired as well as my mother because she need to back to work the next day after we reach jakarta.

big decision

after hearing the doctor suggestion on the prevention injection i got 2 days IV Therapy again than go back to the house in Malay. at the house my mother called Mr Chen and Mr Yudo then she passed me the phone,

when I Said hello? Mr Yudo said to me, "Ferdy now your condition happened because of karma if you don't eradicate your negative karma than this disease won't be cured or might come back again to you no matter how expensive or how good the medicine that the doctor give you. would you accept Nam Myo Ho Reng Ge Gyo for the rest of you life and this is not a joke, I already take faith in this religion for more than 20 years until now and i believe your karma for sure will be eradicated if you really take faith in this religion so will you accept it?"

my mind think so fast when i hear that because since i enter school i learn about Christianity and what i know is about Christianity thought i learn about Nichiren Shoshu before when my with my deceased Grandmother and few times with my parents but i knew nothing about it. i feel the place that i came last time is to materialistic they always said need to give a lot of money as an offerings where in Christianity we only need to have faith in God. But my mind is so sure that i wanted to give this religion a try so i make my decision and said yes i will started to really take the correct faith in this religion. since my mother was there i really enjoy eating in Malay we eat good food instead of when my mother is not there i only eat a vegetables and stuff that i don't really like.

one night all of us go to the mall than at that time i realized at night my eye can see better than at day time so i enjoy it so much. i could see the light flare from the light bulb all the road side view and other. all of my aunt decided to go to one mall to buy things so that they could bring it to Kalimantan the next 2 days. in there i really feel uneasy all i see is like a shadow all people only feel like a blurred things that moving around but since my mother is there i keep holding on to her hand while we go around the mall.

after all things being paid my mother asked me whether or not i want to eat ice cream than i said it feel like a lifetime i haven't eat ice cream than she told me to wait there with the whole groceries that she bought. at that time i felt lost than i think this is not only how blind people live their life but this is also the actual life that all of normal people live their live thought they could see the entire world through their eye but their spiritual eyes was blinded, blinded by money, power, respect and all greed all of other people that passing by is just a blur object moving around all that is important is their own self. normal people smile though their heart are sad they pretend to know what their are doing but in fact they don't. all of us was blinded by our own ambition and don't really care about others even our own relatives and family. at that time i really lucky to feel this experience and i could learned this lesson. i promised to my self i wont let my self being blinded and i will try to help people when i could, and i won't be blinded by greed and forgot about people that i loved.

2nd trip to hospital

My mother finally came to kalimantan to accompanied me to hospital for the second time. than the same routine is done we need to go from 5 am and reached malay at 3 pm. in hospital I directly being examined by the nervous Doctor. he asked me " how do you do, you remember me ?" than i said i remembered but i can't see your face now all is blured. the doctor directly ask the nurse to give me IV therapy again. He told my mother that he would need to extract my spine liquid for testing because it seems that my sickness become worst which mean that i might suffer for some kind of disease (the name is too cool for me to remember >.<). the guy that accompanied us for the trip ( also the landlord of the house that we stayed) said to my mother "extracting the spine liquid is not a small job. my friend son being extracted before now his nerve is damage sometimes he don't have control of his own body you need to make sure carefully". when i do a eye checked down stair my mother asked the eye doctor about the spine liquid and whether its dangerous. the doctor smile and said to my mother " the doctor that take care of your son is the best doctor. he is bright in fact superb young doctor. if he can't do it than nobody here will able to do it." than at evening the doctor came to my side he asked my mother whether my mother already take a decision because it need to be send to Australia which mean they need to do it fast. my mother came to asked me than i said ok this is the last thing we could to confirmed what is actually happened to me. after my mother sign the letter the process directly started. the doctor told me to do a position like a baby inside the mother tummy ( to hold my foot tightly and make a curl) he warned me that although anesthetic is being applied you will still feel pain because the injection will go through your spine so please bare with me. after he inject me with anesthetic than i suddently feel something quite thick go through my skin and i feel it go through my bone n go inside i almost moved but the doctor said "i believe you could hold it please help me, bare with me" than i keep hold on to the position and bare all pain that i feel. it feel like whole your body is being suck to the tube. the process take 1 - 2 minutes but it feel like hours. the doctor told my mother not to let me sit or stand because i will feel headache tomorrow since the liquid in one of my spine is being taken. the doctor than told my mother than i might need an immutability injection that need to be done by family member or my self. the injection probability to prevent my blindness to come back again is only 50%. my mother said if that is the best medicine than we would think of it than the doctore directly answer this is not a medicine this will only prevention injection and the price is 10k usd per month and need to be done for 2 years and he warned my mother if we only got the money to do it 1 year or 1 1/2 years better not to take it because the thing wont work perfectly. when my mother asked me i directly said why must I take it? i don't want to inject my self moreover it's only 50 50 chance it is the worst probability for a medicine. she still think that i better take the shot because if my sickness come again it might be a permanent blindness

knowing people when i'm helpless

after going back from hospital to the house where we rent the room i feel so helpless at that night instead of my eye sight getting better it getting worst instead for my both eyes. since its still 11 am so all of us go for a lunch. aunt a keep sitting beside me and at that time aunt c sit on my other side. since i can't see properly so they are the one that take the food for me at that time i really know who is the one that really care about me. aunt c always stuff me with vegi that really taste bad until aunt a said "why you always gave that vegi for him? you don't see that he don't even eat the vegi he just put it aside" than aunt c said "than told him to take him self i just trying to help" aunt a just keep quite than help me to take bit of meat and nicer vegi. that kind of scene happened again at night when we have a dinner but now aunt a didn't talk much just help me to take few food for me. and the next day we went back to kalimantan ( to my grandfather's house) . than i realized my uncle that called me before i go to malay came with my aunt for the second time. my aunt ask me how do you feel than i said not that good it bit getting worst.

she asked me can u see my face? i answered no i cannot i know it's you because of your voice ( i said it with a small smile) she seems to be very2 sad listening to my answered and touch my face i could felt that she really am sad for me. i can't cried at that time because i don't want to make her felt worst i just said to my mind though I'm really sad now i wont show it now. my vision for both eyes are now in the worst state i just can feel and imagining how my grandfather's house feel like. as my vision worsen my hearing become more sensitive and sharper i noticed this thing hapened because my vitamin drop to the floor but my hand suddenly reached the vitamin when i touch the ground and bounce without even looking. i could hear foot step clearly and define who's foot step was it and i feel what hapened with the blind they got more capability in hearing. the other things that i got at that time is to sense what the person really feel which make me scared as well i sometimes being able to predicted what will the person said or do i know this because when i wake up and before i go down i know that my aunt that came from jakarta will said "ferdy there is a cake on the table and there is some rice cake there too just eat it " than i directly know that my causin ( the one that talk bad things infront of me ) will come and ask what is that than he take 2 of the cake. after getting that vision i just don't think it seriously and just went down but strangely that all my prediction comming true in order. i felt that is there something wrong in my brain ? i lost physical vision eyes but i got other vision of eyes?

in the hospital

when i reached the hospital at first i feel strange where am I, why is just like a 2 stories store how they open a hospital in this kind of small place but after i went up it's actually larger on top. when i being given the hospital cloths i directly wear it like coat than the nurse laugh at me and said" aboy you need to take off your shirt first than wear that" than i take off my t-shirt and wear the cloth she asked me whether i want to take of my pants as well or not but i dun feel comfortable taking it off so i said " i don't think i need to because i will go back in 2 days." so she told me to lay down and she leave me there. from that time i need to fast till 2 hours because they will do intravenous to inject antibody trying to cured my blindess. when the time has come the nurse come to inject the metal part to my hand and she said wah your blood vessel is so thin like small kids vessel. than i asked her "than how is it? it still can being inject isn't it ? " she laugh and said "of course don't be affraid you are on the good hand". in the end she manage to put it nicely without a pain. in hospital what i could do is only sit on the bed eat than sleep again which really2 iritate me. moreover aunt B always buy me a big portion of food and all of them is vegi without a meat >.<

on the way to Kuching Hospital

to go to Kuching i need to travel 8 hours using mini buss so i being picked up at 5 am in the morning to the meeting place. on the road i keep trying to train my eye to see since now at least i could see a bit light on my left eye. so i keep trying to train them but after 1/2 hour i feel bit strange i feel that there is something crawling underneath my skin ( like linkin park song >.<) it feel like a rounded things but when i touch my skin there is nothing. so i just close my eye and try to sleep instead but the thing keep on rotating sometimes to my forehead than go to my left eye than make a circle move in my cheek it keep doing a random movement around my head. It annoyed me so much until I keep touching my head but the things never stop bugging me so end up i started to get use to it after 1 hour.

we stop at few food store so that we could go to rest room, eat and drink. at around 11-12 am we stop at chicken rice store where i feel weak for a sudden and dizzy so i try to massage my head but i realized sometimes is strange on my left side of head since it feel a little bit weaker and softer than my right side of head. i keep asking my self what happen than i try to compare my left hand and my right hand, after that my leg, hip and other parts than i got shocked because the whole left part of my body become softer and feel smaller than my right side of my body. in my mind now I'll die if my left part of my body keep getting weaker isn't that mean I'll be 1/2 man half crops ? will my left brain die as well?

I ask my aunt a ( since there is 3 aunt will get involve so I'll named it aunt a, b, c and aunt C is the one from previous story which is the one that told my other aunt to hide my medicine) " aunt a, i feel my left part of body is diff with my right part of body can you help me to check?" than she try to compare my hand and my leg, she answered i dun feel any different maybe you just to tired. in the buss i manage to take a nap and reached the house around 3pm at the house i rechecked my body and become sure that my left side of body indeed become smaller than my right side. than i call aunt a " see this pants it can't be like this my left side of pants look lot loosen than my right side on my thigh" than she also got shocked and told aunt B . aunt B only look awhile and said "maybe it become smaller since tomorrow we will see the doctor than just wait till tomorrow".

we spend the rest of the day resting on a room. the room is quite big and the bed is being put all over the floor so that 1 room could fit 4-5 person. at night i can't sleep because i keep thinking why my left side of body become weaker n smaller is it because of light stroke ? moreover my parents is not there to accompanied me. message for all parents "if your kids are sick and need to go to hospital you better take a leave from your job and accompanied them your kids is not as brave as you thought"

thinking of suicide

at my grandfather's house i felt worst than when I'm in my own house. everybody is busy and my uncle's wife even make it worst. she pretend to be nice at me though she not mean to be nice. since i never speak Hakka language there so they don't know that i could speak and listen Hakka language. one of the worker there ask my cousin in Hakka who is that guy why he only watch TV everyday? he replied him by saying " that guy is stupid only know to watch movie, last time when i stay at xxxx(my other cousin ) house he also do the same things. some more he rarely take shower until smell like garbage" but the fact is he is talking about him self when he stay on my other cousin house everyone there yell at him everyday because he take shower once a week and sometimes only wash his hair not the whole body.

that conversation make me realized that this cousin don't respect me and like to tell lies. his mother is no different as well she told my other aunt to hide my medicine with a reason that if i eat that medicine it will not cure my pain. she even pretend that he bought me a good durian food but when she said to my other aunt in Hakka its just a cheap durian 3 durian for 5000.-- rupiah.

i'm exhausted mentally and one day when i watching TV all the picture suddenly disappeared i thought the electricity is down but i realized that i still could listen to the sound i tried to see my hand phone and i can't see anything on the LCD too, my eye can't see anything that is being produce by digital device. than at that afternoon i lay down in my bed and think, i study programming and what i know is only programming which mean my eye sight is everything for me. if I'm blind that's mean i will be a burden to my family and how if both of my parents die? what will i do? begging on the road? will people give me food if i ask or i will just become a joke by my cousin?

than suddenly stupid thought come to my mind that i think i should do suicide and there is only 2 choice 1 is to ask my aunt to buy me a sleeping pill and eat the whole bottle or i jump from third stories. after few hour i draw conclusion that my aunt won't buy me a sleeping pill with all reason that she could get so i better jump from top of my grandfather's house.

I go out from my room and prepare to jump. but one of my leg can't moved and a hallucination pass through my mind and asked me after you jump what would happen? will your family feel happier rather than taking care of you for the rest of your life? although they are happy but what will happened to you ? you will always be around here and stuck here forever, for sure you won't go to hell nor heaven or other place that you think you will go see bellow a lot of them still there hanging around do you think they will accept your existence there? in the end i hold me thought of killing my self and hope that my eyes could be cured

additional story:
one day before my travel to Malay 3 of my aunt that will go with me talk in the living room using Hakka language aunt c said to aunt a "so tomorrow we will be picked up at 5 you need to wake Ferdy up at 4 30 so that he could take shower first". aunt a said "i feel sad knowing Ferdy become blind like this why it happened to him" aunt c follow the conversation and said "haiya all things already happened why you need to cry" ( it seems that aunt a really care for me until she cried she is the one that always bring me food for lunch, dinner and other when i was there ) than aunt a said "how can i not sad how if he can't be cured" aunt c cut the conversation by saying " why scared just told them to do operation if failed than failed anyway he already blind now the eye will also no used" hearing that statement i directly pissed off because i remember Mr Chen said don't let doctor do operation on my eyes to my mother. few moment after that when I'm at my room my father called me and asked how i feel than i replied to him " I want to go home i don't want to go to hospital". i guess my father is really2 sad at that time so he closed the phone and few minute after that my uncle called me, he asked me what i want to go home and told me whether i know my father is very sad when heard that i prefer going back. than i told him directly i don't want to be operated Mr Chen also said i mustn't be operated at all. than he said " don't be so stupid listen to me, if they want to operate you at least your parents need to be there to sign the letter if not they don't have legal right to operate you". than i said but aunt c keep saying just do operation than can go home early, my uncle reassure me that he will called them and make sure that they don't even think of letting me to be operate which make me relieve and agreed to go to Malay

things went bad

at first my left eye started to pickup some light and since all my family member is busy ( even my mother need to go to work) so my friend is only TV so i keep watching TV channel everyday. i also need to do therapy at home which force my eye to be closed and when i close my eye i could see people and there is a lot of people there walking around here and there.

I asked my self am I crazy now? who are they soon after i finished asking one of them said to me no you are not crazy, we are here to accompanied you so you are not bored than a lot of small human marching and walk from left to right then right to left some of them will jump some will roll over and try to make me laugh. after i finished my therapy which take me 20 minute i call my maid and tell her that i got hallucination than she said maybe because u don't have some one to talk to than you feel lonely.

my thought at that time was it confirmed I'm crazy now what should i do blind and crazy? and the worst thing is, it happening day by day. the feeling worsen when i need to go to malaysia hospital and before i go there i need to go to my parent's home town which is kalimantan. i said to my mother no matter what i didn't want to go to kalimantan first i want to fly directly to malaysia but she reject on budget issue and at night i feel weird and i feel afraid at that night

something that i can't forget until today happen when i closed my eyes to go to sleep at that time i saw earth became strange the sky is red and the ground all red because of being covered by blood at that time i got shocked and open my eye every time i close my eyes again the same scene happened and like it or not i need to close my eyes to go to sleep after that i saw there is a lot of people that use metal spikes as their accessorizes they tortured other human by cutting their hand leg and in the end beheaded them woman being raped first before being tortured and killed. few people walk around with a big plate and human head are on the plate. the next day i when to kalimantan using plane and stay in my grandfather's house

additional story:
the reason that i need to go to hospital though Mr Chen is confident that he could cured me was because majority of my family ( uncle and aunt) believe more to doctor rather than Chinese Doctor moreover mr Chen cured people using Qi. So we in the end go to Eye Specialist Hospital to check my eye in one morning it turn out that the Doctor is very rude after he examined my eye he write some letter to my to do MRI scan to some hospital than my mother ask him about my eye condition by asking "Doc whats is wrong with my son eye? can it be cured? " the doctor rudely reply " mam, do you know I'm writing ?" My mother angry and said" Doc do you have kid ? if you kid was sick won't you be curious and want to know what happen? i'm a mother and my son is blind now and you only answer me that you are writing now". the doctor keep on writing something and after he finished he said " your son's eye is ok we need to know what is wrong with his brain by doing scanning this is the letter that you need to bring." in the car i ask my mother for the letter since i want to see what is inside after i check i ask my mother there is 2 million rupiah injection being mention here than spontaneously asked my mother "there is injection that cost 2 million here what kind of injection is that? just to see whether my brain got problem or not ? won't it make my brain even worst if really got problem on my brain?" my mother react calmly and call Mr Chen. i'm glad that mr Chen told my mother not to do it in indonesia and told my mother to send me to better hospital like singapore or malay which end up I'm being send to malay. i can't imagine how if my blood stream being inject by that 2million liquid which turn out in malaysia hospital that kind of injection is not needed at all. i really concerned about indonesia hospital and promise my self to find more money so that if my parents or brother got sick i won't let indonesia hospital do something on them.

blinded

for all of my new friends or people that knew me after i graduated from university i look like a normal guy with a job as a programmer, i like to take photograph ( my picture can be seen in here) or other view that they had on me. for my temple member i might being seen as a nice young guy and diligent member that always come for morning prayer. but for my family and friends before i graduated all of them now about my darkest experience which was i suffered for temporary blindness for few months.

it all started in the morning when i wake up and realized that my vision is bit strange, at that time i tried to close my right eye and i merely can't see anything but my thought was maybe this just a dream, i can't be blind without a reason since there is no pain or strange feeling. But after few hour i really wake up and i feel my movement is strange i became unbalanced, i can't measure distance correctly which make me decided to tell my mother and we end up going to doctor. the doctor prescribed me with eye vitamin and some eye medicine.

the next day i wake up i hoped that my eye is cured and i able to see clearly since i got an exam for a my short semester but what i got is my left eye now is totally blind and i could only see with my right eye. i still remember when i told my mother about it and what i got as the answer was "it's normal that your eye can't see because it is injured, just wait for awhile it will be OK" without a doubt i trusted her and go to Uni to take my exam.

since i didn't have a car at that time so i followed my friend car in the car i told my friend that i can't see using my left eye but since the way i said it is too calm so he made a joke on it instead. after 2 days exam that i told my mother that if i close my right eye i can't see anything using my left eye which started to make her panic and bring me to the best Chinese doctor i ever know ( Mr Chen) he is a wise Taiwanese Chinese doctor that use Chi and Chinese medicine to cure people. his face and the way he talked really calm me down and i trust him with my life that he could cure me. after few session there my eye became bit better but there is when all mystic experienced started.

Story about me

Hi, My name is Ferdy I'll be 26 years old this year. i decided to start this blog to fill my time and hopefully i could share my life story and "wisdom" that i get in this life.